my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
