My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
