I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
