if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I want her autograph on my taint
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize