Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
