Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
