god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
