I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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