My sheets look like a crime scene.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
