I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
