I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Welp...herpes.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Randomize
