So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
