someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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