That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
