Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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