i just sent this text using only my big toe
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
