im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
