I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
