I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
