i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
