Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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