those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
