if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
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