yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
sarcasm needs its own font
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
