Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
