Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
