The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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