She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
smell my finger.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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