i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
