I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
