When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
