not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Randomize
