He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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