I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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