Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
id be glad to
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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