he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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