I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
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I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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