dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
