Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
