if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
