he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
