The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
