im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
