Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
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