dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
