If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
