Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Randomize
