so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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