Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
