Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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