I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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