Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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