youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Randomize
