I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
