i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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