I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
