my phone needs a breathalizer
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
