You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Randomize
