Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
