we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
