and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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