I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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