If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
