Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Randomize
