It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
