the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I am naked and annoyed.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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