my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
