I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
